Who did Billy Mays play for?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
