My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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