Well apparently he's into motor boating.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
