1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
