so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
