I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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