Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
