haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
please come you make the beer taste better
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
