oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
