If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
