you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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