I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
being pregnant is like rehab
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
