My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
