Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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