and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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