apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
