come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
