she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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