You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
