her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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