We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
