I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Randomize
