She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
