bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
