Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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