god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
