I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
