Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
