could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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