I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize