if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
love makes seman taste better
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
