i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
