I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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