People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
