Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
