I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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