Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
