Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My dick has a subreddit
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
