Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
