Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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