Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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