shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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