dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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