Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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