Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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