my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
