Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
