I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I accidentally had phone sex last night
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize