one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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