I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
ok first of all what the fuck
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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