he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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