there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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