If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
