Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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