so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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