Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
