You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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