don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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