So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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