i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
