Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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