My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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